I'm angry because your pregnant and have a little bitty and you're what.....18?

UGH! I'm at starbucks, my current place of solace and refuge (Good word uses, I say) and this girl who looks under 20 years old comes in pregnant and with this annoying crying child that looks about 3 months old. NOT only is that annoying enough, but they're talking loudly about having boys and wanting a girl and babies and all that crap. It's so annoying. I'm so seriously pissed and I can't find my head phones and I'm about to cry.

Emotions

Ok, so I owe you some posts. Alot of posts. So....I GUESS.....I can write one today.

Emotions:

It's hard to believe it's about 3 weeks until Christmas. Really hard to believe. We don't have any lights up or the tree. I'm not sure we'll even get to the tree this year because we're still trying to unpack and get the house in order. It also doesn't feel like Christmas because I'm so sad. Christmas is a happy time and as I go out, I see that, I understand that, but I don't feel it. The music is cheery, people seem happy, but I feel as if I'm invisible....that my sadness excludes me from the holiday. That sort of sucks because for one, I LOVE Christmas...it's my favorite holiday EVER! And for 2. It is so depressing being so sad and wanting to be happy and knowing it's a happy time, but not being able to BE happy. I feel like I just want to rewind the days and live forever happy and excited because I'm growing a baby. Unfortunately it kills me and breaks my heart now because I don't have to care for it anymore..I can drink caffeine 'till I get a heart attack or drink alcohol 'till I'm drunk. If someone's smoking, I don't have to leave or turn my head. I can eat whatever I want and it sucks......because now I'm faced with all the things I can do that I couldn't and it only serves as a harsh reminder. You know me, I'm a mom, it's in my soul and so not being able to nurture something that once was so very special and important really hurts. Ok, well...I'm getting it out in words, but I can't cry. I'm sitting here in Starbucks dude. I love you Mr Boogles.

Letter to baby

Well first I'm going to post my letter to our baby so I can re-read it.....then I'll write a new post.

Dear baby,

I'm sure you are beautiful and happy. I'm also sure you're taken care of by our Savior Jesus and your great grandfathers. I hope they got to meet you. We wanted you here with us on earth so very very much. We didn't know if you were a boy or girl, but my heart always said girl :) So, if you are a boy, sorry I've been calling you "her" :) So, we really wanted you here with us, but God saw a better fit for you in heaven. And from what God's word says Heaven's a pretty awesome place! In fact, it's way better than what we have here on earth, so maybe you are blessed to be there. You got to see God quicker than I or your dad, you probably see the saints of the Bible and angels and all! You have pearly gates and golden roads! We definitely don't have that here :) We lost you on Thanksgiving which is so hard because it's a day to be Thankful. We were very thankful for the time we did have with you as short as it was. We loved you, we imagined what you'd look like, we saw clothes and toys and pictured the future we'd have with you. However, we did know from the beginning how often miscarriage happens and so we tried to give you to God all along, knowing you may be only a temporary gift. And you were. What an amazing temporary gift you were! Thank you Jesus for that time. I love you dear baby, so does your dad, and I can't wait till the day we will all be in heaven together. God has dad and me here for now and his plans are perfect. So, as we go about doing his will and trusting his plans, we will look forward to holding you in our arms when we see you again.

Love,

Your mom.

Laughing at myself

I am a nerd. I'm also thrilled with this blog because it helps me to put it all out there....there are really bad days where I'm not living what I believe. Then there are shining moments and recently, thank God, there's alot more shining moments :) Please, help me to continue on this awesome path where despited all the pain and disappointment in our lives, there is hope, there is love, there is peace, and most of all it's all for you, God!

Hope

Hmmm....it's such an interesting word and so simple isn't it? Hope is defined in the dictionary the following ways:

v.intr.

1. To wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment.

2. Archaic To have confidence; trust.

v.tr.

1. To look forward to with confidence or expectation: We hope that our children will be successful.

2. To expect and desire. See Synonyms at expect.

n.

2. Something that is hoped for or desired: Success is our hope.

3. One that is a source of or reason for hope: the team's only hope for victory.

4. often Hope Christianity The theological virtue defined as the desire and search for a future good, difficult but not impossible to attain with God's help.

5. Archaic Trust; confidence.

So, I liked the version that said "Trust; confidence" Because it's a quality I don't often have. I am a pessimist and I rarely have "trust" or "confidence" that things are good or will be good in the future. I hate to be disappointed and I often am despite my pessimism.

The other one that obviously struck me was number 4. The Christian definition of hope. "The theological virtue defined as the desire and search for a future good, difficult but not impossible to attain with God's help."

I think it's pretty awesome that that kind of hope is so known that the definition is in a dictionary! And that's a true definition to me....it's difficult but it's not impossible. That's hope because it's saying it IS possible! There's hope in the very definition! :)

The other definition, not hailed as Christian, but can certainly be perceived as such is number 3. "One that is a source of reason for hope" As in...he was the teams only hope for winning. As in God is our only hope at a complete life, a joyful life, and one with meaning. I believe that with all my heart, even though so often I fail to remember it.

Today I'm hoping...........

I'm hoping there is more good in this world than is portrayed in the news.

That good wins over evil even when it looks like it's impossible...which reminds me of an awesome quote..."In every good story, there's always a point where it looks like the bad guys going to win"

I'm hoping more people will choose to be kind towards others, even strangers and not be closed off.

I'm hoping that there really is sun just above those rain clouds.

I'm hoping that this country will be strong, but more than that, that we will see truth where it is and recognize the lies. That we will stand up for good and not be quieted. More than ever our world needs voices of truth to rise above it all.

I'm hoping to someday have my voice heard and to be a voice of truth.

I'm hoping to love God with all I have and look back on my life and not have wasted it.

I'm hoping.....I'm hoping....

I believe in you......

I believe in you by: Bethany Dillon

When there's nothing to believe in, I belive in you
Forget the past and let my hand in yours be the proof
Though the strong could be my company, you're the one I choose
So remember, I believe in you

I know it feels like every eye is watching you
Waiting for you to fall, expecting you to lose
But I see victory, so all you have to do
Is remember, I believe in you

I believe, even when I see you crying
I believe, let me dream for you
When nothing comes from trying
Remember, I believe in you

There will come a day when love will lift you out of here
There will come a day when love will bring the truth
There will come a day when love will free you from your fear
And you'll remember, I believe in you

I believe, even when I see you crying
I believe, let me dream for you
When nothing comes from trying
Remember, I believe in you

God

It's no secret...I'm a Christian! What an exciting thing to be able to say. This life is hard enough, but the one thing that makes it all ok and that gives me peace is that it is all for something....it's for God. When the "reason" for my life becomes a job, children, money, a house, or anything else, there is no peace. We still look everywhere to be whole and happy. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the only time I'm at peace and truly happy is when I am close to the Lord. When I concern myself with him instead of myself, there is a beautiful change.

I all too often think it's about me. I get so wrapped up in how hard things are, how much pain I'm in, who did what to me, how sad things are, and more that it takes me away from where I need to be! Joyful in my situation. I believe with Christ, we can be sad and have some of the hardest trials in life and be at peace or even joyful. Life still hurts, that doesn't change. But how we deal with it can make all the difference.

Thoughts on the government....Part 1

I remember as a teenager signing a petition to our government asking for them to help women in Afghanistan and other countries where horrific things were happening to them. Beatings, murder, rapes, Female circumcision(the reason being the males wanted them to feel no pleasure during sex)....etc. I remember my dad and mom being a little worried that my name and address would somehow get into the hands of the bad guys. I guess you worry because, well, their terrorists. I never thought there would be a day you'd have to worry about our own government and what it is capable of. The newest news is that

"The White House is collecting and storing comments and videos placed on its social-networking sites such as Facebook, Twitter and YouTube without notifying or asking the consent of the site users, a failure that appears to run counter to President Obama's promise of a transparent government and his pledge to protect privacy on the Internet."

Certainly I'm not comparing our government to those who treat their people cruelly. But the connection there is fear that the government will collect your comments and information and somehow use them against you.

I used to think people were paranoid of the government were just people with some screws loose. This past year with him in office has seen undeniable violations of some of our most basic rights. I'm not talking about just collecting our information and comments online, obviously they've done so much more.

We really need to pray for our country.

There just has to be a real change, a good change in the years to come. I almost hate to use that word because of what Obama has done to it! Change. Huh. Oh well, there's my two cents. I'm going to go post this on my blog. It started out just telling you my feelings ! lol. Now it's a blog post.

Some Lyrics of Songs that I Love

Hymn: Be still my soul

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on your side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
leave to your God to order and provide;
in every change God faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: your best, your heavenly friend
through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

2. Be still, my soul: your God will undertake
to guide the future, as in ages past.
Your hope, your confidence let nothing shake;
all now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
the Christ who ruled them while he dwelt below.

3. Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
when we shall be forever with the Lord,
when disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
sorrow for forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past,
all safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

READY FOR YOU:

Kutless

Lord, You take my heart away with Your love
and I am willing to put on my faith in Your plan.

Come and take my life.
Make my soul refreshed in truth now.

I am ready for You.
Take my heart and make me new now.
I am ready for You
to come and fill my soul.

Cleanse all of my mind that is not of You.
Break me, teaching me how to find rest in Your hands.

Come and take my life.
Make my soul refreshed in truth now.

I am ready for You.
Take my heart and make me new now.
I am ready for You
to come and fill my soul.
To come and fill my soul.

Whatever it takes,
I'm needing to make Your will be done
and I'm letting go of my control,
for I see what You've done in me.

I am ready for You.
Take my heart and make me new now.
I am ready for You
to come and fill my soul.

Life and Strife and Peace

So, my grandpa died yesterday. It just topped off the whole life drama that includes a variety of misfortunes and pain, physically and emotionally. God has strengthened me though. A few months ago, I wouldn't have been able to take the beating of the last month or two. I would have angrily and ignorantly blamed God for it all. God's changing my heart. I'm happier for one, joyful despite all the trials. Why? Because God helped me get over myself. It isn't about me and it never was. I just hadn't gotten that memo. I wanted this, this, and that and deserved it. Well, that was my attitude at least. Trials will always happen and I believe how you react says alot about who you are. How I reacted in the past showed me to be petty, selfish, angry, and entitled. I hope that today and in the future it will show me to be graceful, loving and kind, patient, and devoted to Christ. P.S I LOVE my husband and he is becoming an amazing cook! :)

News about my grandpa

A year ago at the end of September, I lost my grandpa on my dad's side. I still miss him so much. Now I just heard that my grandpa on my mom's side will probably be dying this month. I don't remember how I coped with my last grandpa and I guess what makes me the saddest is that I knew the first grandpa more than the other, but I still have trouble finding memories of him. Now I'm worried I can't think of any memories of him......

Weekly Goals

As we know, I'm not sure I like my job and it makes me extremely anxious, so I hope that by doing some of these things I can calm down and not have so much anxiety.

Goals for my sanity:

Per week:

Bible reading,Prayer and Memory Verses: every day
Reading a book: 2-3 times a week
Gym: 2 hours a week
Blogging : at least 3 times a week

Why Peace of Mind?

Ok, there's alot of reasons for this title. For one, I've always dreamed of collecting all of my poems into a book and titling it either Piece of Mynd, Piece of Mind, or Peace of Mind. With the spelling Piece of Mynd it was sort of like saying it's a piece of my mind and the same explanation goes for the second one. The third one is because I always found writing therapeutic in my youth. I say youth like I'm old. Quite frankly the last few years I've felt way older than I am. I haven't written anything in a long time and with my recent "Where am I going in life meltdown", I've decided some things have to change.

Last night I saw Julie and Julia which gave me the idea to start a blog. No, I am not expecting it to change my life like it did Julie's but I do think it will really help me take stock of myself and try to improve some stuff.

Who have I become? I guess to show that change, I must let you know who I used to be...good and bad, this is an honest blog.

I used to be a little of everything all rolled into one :) I was adventurous, but often shy. I was a reader and a writer ( I don't do much of either the last few years). I had hopes and dreams and honestly now for the life of me I can't think of one hope or dream I have (other than to someday be a great mom and Godly woman, though I fall so short of the latter). I dreamed of traveling the world, especially to France. I'll admit that I was not a very independent person at all. I think I'm getting better at that, though.

Through my life, I've passionately followed Christ at times and they were the happiest times in my life. I've gone my own route many times too, much like recently and of course when I do, it's absolutely miserable. Recently, it's been all about me and why in the world don't I have children, a house, a career I love, joy, etc.....I've been like a three year old who isn't getting her way, screaming and crying and thinking the world will end because I just am not where I want in life, with what I want in life. How silly.

I love God. Today marks a change. My attitude HAS to go back to loving him with all my heart and knowing I don't deserve his love, but he gives it always, anyway. It's unconditional and I'm so grateful for that. Our pastor gave that metaphor of the three year old in the supermarket not getting her way and said, when we think of who God is and all that he's done, why would we dare act that way? It struck me hard. How dare I? I truly thought I was entitled to the things I want....I mean after all, I AM a Christian! I am a responsible, hard working person. I'm a loving person, I've never done drugs, never lived of the government, never ____fill in the blank! WOW! Really? Yeah really, that was my attitude and God's giving it a little adjustment these days.

I am humbled by his grace. Because when I think of the way my heart and mind has rejected HIS plans and acting the way towards him I have, I mean HE'S God! He could have struck me down dead for acting that way. But I'm his child and because he loves me, he let me live in misery for a while to feel just how life feels when he's not my all. And let me tell you, it's not fun! :) Then he gently broke my will and showed me what was wrong.

He is so good.

Now I do realize this new attitude is going to come with alot of trouble because it seems as soon as I get on the right track with God, Satan works doubly as hard and often succeeds, I'm sad to say. Please pray.

So, now that I got that off my chest, I'm making a promise to God, myself, and my husband: I want to change some things in my life:

I am sometimes more of a glass 1/2 empty person, no lie. I want and need that to change.

I'm an anxious person as well and I want to learn to rest on God and accept the peace that he gives.

I want to be the type of person people wonder what I have ( I know many amazing women in my life with that special quality)

I often give up when the going gets hard and I want that to end to. I think often things worthwhile are the hardest to get to. I learned from an early age that "I could do anything" but was never taught how to follow through. And actually through words I was told I could do anything but in actions I was told I was a failure and had to live my life accordingly.

I think it's awful if you have a dream tell someone close to you, what you want to achieve and they laugh.

Or you tell them, oh that involves math and your bad at math.

I need to stop believing the many lies that I have learned to believe. I need to lean on an believe in GOD's words.

Thanks for listening. This blog will be probably about everything and anything my mind wanders off to, so I don't know what the next blog will be about :) Allright,

enough said.