Emotions:
It's hard to believe it's about 3 weeks until Christmas. Really hard to believe. We don't have any lights up or the tree. I'm not sure we'll even get to the tree this year because we're still trying to unpack and get the house in order. It also doesn't feel like Christmas because I'm so sad. Christmas is a happy time and as I go out, I see that, I understand that, but I don't feel it. The music is cheery, people seem happy, but I feel as if I'm invisible....that my sadness excludes me from the holiday. That sort of sucks because for one, I LOVE Christmas...it's my favorite holiday EVER! And for 2. It is so depressing being so sad and wanting to be happy and knowing it's a happy time, but not being able to BE happy. I feel like I just want to rewind the days and live forever happy and excited because I'm growing a baby. Unfortunately it kills me and breaks my heart now because I don't have to care for it anymore..I can drink caffeine 'till I get a heart attack or drink alcohol 'till I'm drunk. If someone's smoking, I don't have to leave or turn my head. I can eat whatever I want and it sucks......because now I'm faced with all the things I can do that I couldn't and it only serves as a harsh reminder. You know me, I'm a mom, it's in my soul and so not being able to nurture something that once was so very special and important really hurts. Ok, well...I'm getting it out in words, but I can't cry. I'm sitting here in Starbucks dude. I love you Mr Boogles.
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