I'm angry because your pregnant and have a little bitty and you're what.....18?

UGH! I'm at starbucks, my current place of solace and refuge (Good word uses, I say) and this girl who looks under 20 years old comes in pregnant and with this annoying crying child that looks about 3 months old. NOT only is that annoying enough, but they're talking loudly about having boys and wanting a girl and babies and all that crap. It's so annoying. I'm so seriously pissed and I can't find my head phones and I'm about to cry.

Emotions

Ok, so I owe you some posts. Alot of posts. So....I GUESS.....I can write one today.

Emotions:

It's hard to believe it's about 3 weeks until Christmas. Really hard to believe. We don't have any lights up or the tree. I'm not sure we'll even get to the tree this year because we're still trying to unpack and get the house in order. It also doesn't feel like Christmas because I'm so sad. Christmas is a happy time and as I go out, I see that, I understand that, but I don't feel it. The music is cheery, people seem happy, but I feel as if I'm invisible....that my sadness excludes me from the holiday. That sort of sucks because for one, I LOVE Christmas...it's my favorite holiday EVER! And for 2. It is so depressing being so sad and wanting to be happy and knowing it's a happy time, but not being able to BE happy. I feel like I just want to rewind the days and live forever happy and excited because I'm growing a baby. Unfortunately it kills me and breaks my heart now because I don't have to care for it anymore..I can drink caffeine 'till I get a heart attack or drink alcohol 'till I'm drunk. If someone's smoking, I don't have to leave or turn my head. I can eat whatever I want and it sucks......because now I'm faced with all the things I can do that I couldn't and it only serves as a harsh reminder. You know me, I'm a mom, it's in my soul and so not being able to nurture something that once was so very special and important really hurts. Ok, well...I'm getting it out in words, but I can't cry. I'm sitting here in Starbucks dude. I love you Mr Boogles.

Letter to baby

Well first I'm going to post my letter to our baby so I can re-read it.....then I'll write a new post.

Dear baby,

I'm sure you are beautiful and happy. I'm also sure you're taken care of by our Savior Jesus and your great grandfathers. I hope they got to meet you. We wanted you here with us on earth so very very much. We didn't know if you were a boy or girl, but my heart always said girl :) So, if you are a boy, sorry I've been calling you "her" :) So, we really wanted you here with us, but God saw a better fit for you in heaven. And from what God's word says Heaven's a pretty awesome place! In fact, it's way better than what we have here on earth, so maybe you are blessed to be there. You got to see God quicker than I or your dad, you probably see the saints of the Bible and angels and all! You have pearly gates and golden roads! We definitely don't have that here :) We lost you on Thanksgiving which is so hard because it's a day to be Thankful. We were very thankful for the time we did have with you as short as it was. We loved you, we imagined what you'd look like, we saw clothes and toys and pictured the future we'd have with you. However, we did know from the beginning how often miscarriage happens and so we tried to give you to God all along, knowing you may be only a temporary gift. And you were. What an amazing temporary gift you were! Thank you Jesus for that time. I love you dear baby, so does your dad, and I can't wait till the day we will all be in heaven together. God has dad and me here for now and his plans are perfect. So, as we go about doing his will and trusting his plans, we will look forward to holding you in our arms when we see you again.

Love,

Your mom.