A Blessed, Sunny Day

The sun is finally out!!!! It is nice outside. The sun is figuratively out as well. I am so incredibly blessed when I think about it. I love and adore my husband. We have a life long friendship and marriage. That in itself is a huge blessing for a couple of reasons. For one, I know that no matter what hardship we go through that I have someone here on earth who loves me, supports me, and is my best friend. That kind of security these days is all too rare. It is also a blessing in the fact that he is also a Christian. He is trying as I am to be a better person, a more Christ like person each day. We both fail at times of course, but I am blessed to be able to share the triumphs of Christian life as well as encourage each other during the falls.

My life is full of potential and I have in the past looked at that fact with despair. Potential defined in the dictionary is "possible, as opposed to actual". Currently my life has more potential than actual, but there are some actual elements to it as well. There's actual in that I am working at attaining goals. I guess I'm trying to make my life actual and in that, I'm doing actual things :) I'm thrilled at the healthy lifestyle we've started and I believe that if I can lose ALL the weight I need to, I truly can do anything (Through Christ).

My thanks for today:

Danny

Family

Friends

House

Laci

Sunshine!!!!

It's warmer

Spring is coming!

Hope

Life

Coffee (though I have yet to drink any....This is NATURAL energy here!!! :)

Stable income

Food

I'm angry because your pregnant and have a little bitty and you're what.....18?

UGH! I'm at starbucks, my current place of solace and refuge (Good word uses, I say) and this girl who looks under 20 years old comes in pregnant and with this annoying crying child that looks about 3 months old. NOT only is that annoying enough, but they're talking loudly about having boys and wanting a girl and babies and all that crap. It's so annoying. I'm so seriously pissed and I can't find my head phones and I'm about to cry.

Emotions

Ok, so I owe you some posts. Alot of posts. So....I GUESS.....I can write one today.

Emotions:

It's hard to believe it's about 3 weeks until Christmas. Really hard to believe. We don't have any lights up or the tree. I'm not sure we'll even get to the tree this year because we're still trying to unpack and get the house in order. It also doesn't feel like Christmas because I'm so sad. Christmas is a happy time and as I go out, I see that, I understand that, but I don't feel it. The music is cheery, people seem happy, but I feel as if I'm invisible....that my sadness excludes me from the holiday. That sort of sucks because for one, I LOVE Christmas...it's my favorite holiday EVER! And for 2. It is so depressing being so sad and wanting to be happy and knowing it's a happy time, but not being able to BE happy. I feel like I just want to rewind the days and live forever happy and excited because I'm growing a baby. Unfortunately it kills me and breaks my heart now because I don't have to care for it anymore..I can drink caffeine 'till I get a heart attack or drink alcohol 'till I'm drunk. If someone's smoking, I don't have to leave or turn my head. I can eat whatever I want and it sucks......because now I'm faced with all the things I can do that I couldn't and it only serves as a harsh reminder. You know me, I'm a mom, it's in my soul and so not being able to nurture something that once was so very special and important really hurts. Ok, well...I'm getting it out in words, but I can't cry. I'm sitting here in Starbucks dude. I love you Mr Boogles.

Letter to baby

Well first I'm going to post my letter to our baby so I can re-read it.....then I'll write a new post.

Dear baby,

I'm sure you are beautiful and happy. I'm also sure you're taken care of by our Savior Jesus and your great grandfathers. I hope they got to meet you. We wanted you here with us on earth so very very much. We didn't know if you were a boy or girl, but my heart always said girl :) So, if you are a boy, sorry I've been calling you "her" :) So, we really wanted you here with us, but God saw a better fit for you in heaven. And from what God's word says Heaven's a pretty awesome place! In fact, it's way better than what we have here on earth, so maybe you are blessed to be there. You got to see God quicker than I or your dad, you probably see the saints of the Bible and angels and all! You have pearly gates and golden roads! We definitely don't have that here :) We lost you on Thanksgiving which is so hard because it's a day to be Thankful. We were very thankful for the time we did have with you as short as it was. We loved you, we imagined what you'd look like, we saw clothes and toys and pictured the future we'd have with you. However, we did know from the beginning how often miscarriage happens and so we tried to give you to God all along, knowing you may be only a temporary gift. And you were. What an amazing temporary gift you were! Thank you Jesus for that time. I love you dear baby, so does your dad, and I can't wait till the day we will all be in heaven together. God has dad and me here for now and his plans are perfect. So, as we go about doing his will and trusting his plans, we will look forward to holding you in our arms when we see you again.

Love,

Your mom.

Laughing at myself

I am a nerd. I'm also thrilled with this blog because it helps me to put it all out there....there are really bad days where I'm not living what I believe. Then there are shining moments and recently, thank God, there's alot more shining moments :) Please, help me to continue on this awesome path where despited all the pain and disappointment in our lives, there is hope, there is love, there is peace, and most of all it's all for you, God!

Hope

Hmmm....it's such an interesting word and so simple isn't it? Hope is defined in the dictionary the following ways:

v.intr.

1. To wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment.

2. Archaic To have confidence; trust.

v.tr.

1. To look forward to with confidence or expectation: We hope that our children will be successful.

2. To expect and desire. See Synonyms at expect.

n.

2. Something that is hoped for or desired: Success is our hope.

3. One that is a source of or reason for hope: the team's only hope for victory.

4. often Hope Christianity The theological virtue defined as the desire and search for a future good, difficult but not impossible to attain with God's help.

5. Archaic Trust; confidence.

So, I liked the version that said "Trust; confidence" Because it's a quality I don't often have. I am a pessimist and I rarely have "trust" or "confidence" that things are good or will be good in the future. I hate to be disappointed and I often am despite my pessimism.

The other one that obviously struck me was number 4. The Christian definition of hope. "The theological virtue defined as the desire and search for a future good, difficult but not impossible to attain with God's help."

I think it's pretty awesome that that kind of hope is so known that the definition is in a dictionary! And that's a true definition to me....it's difficult but it's not impossible. That's hope because it's saying it IS possible! There's hope in the very definition! :)

The other definition, not hailed as Christian, but can certainly be perceived as such is number 3. "One that is a source of reason for hope" As in...he was the teams only hope for winning. As in God is our only hope at a complete life, a joyful life, and one with meaning. I believe that with all my heart, even though so often I fail to remember it.

Today I'm hoping...........

I'm hoping there is more good in this world than is portrayed in the news.

That good wins over evil even when it looks like it's impossible...which reminds me of an awesome quote..."In every good story, there's always a point where it looks like the bad guys going to win"

I'm hoping more people will choose to be kind towards others, even strangers and not be closed off.

I'm hoping that there really is sun just above those rain clouds.

I'm hoping that this country will be strong, but more than that, that we will see truth where it is and recognize the lies. That we will stand up for good and not be quieted. More than ever our world needs voices of truth to rise above it all.

I'm hoping to someday have my voice heard and to be a voice of truth.

I'm hoping to love God with all I have and look back on my life and not have wasted it.

I'm hoping.....I'm hoping....

I believe in you......

I believe in you by: Bethany Dillon

When there's nothing to believe in, I belive in you
Forget the past and let my hand in yours be the proof
Though the strong could be my company, you're the one I choose
So remember, I believe in you

I know it feels like every eye is watching you
Waiting for you to fall, expecting you to lose
But I see victory, so all you have to do
Is remember, I believe in you

I believe, even when I see you crying
I believe, let me dream for you
When nothing comes from trying
Remember, I believe in you

There will come a day when love will lift you out of here
There will come a day when love will bring the truth
There will come a day when love will free you from your fear
And you'll remember, I believe in you

I believe, even when I see you crying
I believe, let me dream for you
When nothing comes from trying
Remember, I believe in you