News about my grandpa

A year ago at the end of September, I lost my grandpa on my dad's side. I still miss him so much. Now I just heard that my grandpa on my mom's side will probably be dying this month. I don't remember how I coped with my last grandpa and I guess what makes me the saddest is that I knew the first grandpa more than the other, but I still have trouble finding memories of him. Now I'm worried I can't think of any memories of him......

Weekly Goals

As we know, I'm not sure I like my job and it makes me extremely anxious, so I hope that by doing some of these things I can calm down and not have so much anxiety.

Goals for my sanity:

Per week:

Bible reading,Prayer and Memory Verses: every day
Reading a book: 2-3 times a week
Gym: 2 hours a week
Blogging : at least 3 times a week

Why Peace of Mind?

Ok, there's alot of reasons for this title. For one, I've always dreamed of collecting all of my poems into a book and titling it either Piece of Mynd, Piece of Mind, or Peace of Mind. With the spelling Piece of Mynd it was sort of like saying it's a piece of my mind and the same explanation goes for the second one. The third one is because I always found writing therapeutic in my youth. I say youth like I'm old. Quite frankly the last few years I've felt way older than I am. I haven't written anything in a long time and with my recent "Where am I going in life meltdown", I've decided some things have to change.

Last night I saw Julie and Julia which gave me the idea to start a blog. No, I am not expecting it to change my life like it did Julie's but I do think it will really help me take stock of myself and try to improve some stuff.

Who have I become? I guess to show that change, I must let you know who I used to be...good and bad, this is an honest blog.

I used to be a little of everything all rolled into one :) I was adventurous, but often shy. I was a reader and a writer ( I don't do much of either the last few years). I had hopes and dreams and honestly now for the life of me I can't think of one hope or dream I have (other than to someday be a great mom and Godly woman, though I fall so short of the latter). I dreamed of traveling the world, especially to France. I'll admit that I was not a very independent person at all. I think I'm getting better at that, though.

Through my life, I've passionately followed Christ at times and they were the happiest times in my life. I've gone my own route many times too, much like recently and of course when I do, it's absolutely miserable. Recently, it's been all about me and why in the world don't I have children, a house, a career I love, joy, etc.....I've been like a three year old who isn't getting her way, screaming and crying and thinking the world will end because I just am not where I want in life, with what I want in life. How silly.

I love God. Today marks a change. My attitude HAS to go back to loving him with all my heart and knowing I don't deserve his love, but he gives it always, anyway. It's unconditional and I'm so grateful for that. Our pastor gave that metaphor of the three year old in the supermarket not getting her way and said, when we think of who God is and all that he's done, why would we dare act that way? It struck me hard. How dare I? I truly thought I was entitled to the things I want....I mean after all, I AM a Christian! I am a responsible, hard working person. I'm a loving person, I've never done drugs, never lived of the government, never ____fill in the blank! WOW! Really? Yeah really, that was my attitude and God's giving it a little adjustment these days.

I am humbled by his grace. Because when I think of the way my heart and mind has rejected HIS plans and acting the way towards him I have, I mean HE'S God! He could have struck me down dead for acting that way. But I'm his child and because he loves me, he let me live in misery for a while to feel just how life feels when he's not my all. And let me tell you, it's not fun! :) Then he gently broke my will and showed me what was wrong.

He is so good.

Now I do realize this new attitude is going to come with alot of trouble because it seems as soon as I get on the right track with God, Satan works doubly as hard and often succeeds, I'm sad to say. Please pray.

So, now that I got that off my chest, I'm making a promise to God, myself, and my husband: I want to change some things in my life:

I am sometimes more of a glass 1/2 empty person, no lie. I want and need that to change.

I'm an anxious person as well and I want to learn to rest on God and accept the peace that he gives.

I want to be the type of person people wonder what I have ( I know many amazing women in my life with that special quality)

I often give up when the going gets hard and I want that to end to. I think often things worthwhile are the hardest to get to. I learned from an early age that "I could do anything" but was never taught how to follow through. And actually through words I was told I could do anything but in actions I was told I was a failure and had to live my life accordingly.

I think it's awful if you have a dream tell someone close to you, what you want to achieve and they laugh.

Or you tell them, oh that involves math and your bad at math.

I need to stop believing the many lies that I have learned to believe. I need to lean on an believe in GOD's words.

Thanks for listening. This blog will be probably about everything and anything my mind wanders off to, so I don't know what the next blog will be about :) Allright,

enough said.